By Nathanael Matos
In an attempt to reach out to Bard College’s international community, the Bard administration has unveiled a new British translation of the Bard Daily Mail. Early last week, a campus-wide email was sent outlining the initiative’s intent to increase awareness of the international community at Bard and provide more platforms for international voices to be heard. This announcement, met with confusion from the entirety of the Bard community, has been making waves in inboxes across campus.
Bardvark sat down with the administrators behind this new translation. “We at the Daily Mail wanted to play a part in cultivating a more inclusive campus here at Bard,” said Julie Flaubert, the editor-in-chief of the Bard Daily Mail. “Last week I started watching Downton Abbey with my niece, and let me tell you, it’s really broadened my cultural perspective. Did you know about Great Britain? Those guys have been over there the whole time!” Flaubert sipped her cup of Earl Grey in satisfied silence.
The British translation is more than just a simple rewrite of the Daily Mail; rather, it is a complete overhaul of the newsletter’s format. When opened, the email plays a tinny rendition of “God Save the Queen” at maximum volume, overriding whatever speaker settings your device is currently set to. The header is a Union Jack with no words, and in the background is an image of Her Majesty the Queen waving. Security updates are replaced with exclamations of “The bobbies are comin’!” Among the daily events from 3 pm to 5 pm is “Tea and Crumpets!” They have introduced several new features, including “The Daily Courtesy,” a brief reminder to not forget your manners today; the “Send Mum a Let’ah!” alert which urges young girls and boys to contact their mummies and daddies; and the “Oh Dear!” column, an advice column in which the writer asks for advice from their readers. For replies, they request that you go ahead and “give ‘em a ring!”
Student reactions have been mixed. Sophomore Peggy Schwartz admits that the new translation seems slightly out of left field, “Does the administration really need to be sending us more pointless emails? I don’t even open the regular Daily Mail, so I sure as hell won’t read this one. I already get enough anglophilia from my aunt on Facebook.” Yet, some students were more taken with the British translation. “I say, what a smashing idea this new translation is,” said Simon Newton-Pepperidge, a first-year from Buckinghamshire dressed entirely in tweed. “When I saw that first ‘u’ in the middle of ‘labour,’ I knew right then and there that I had found a home across the pond.”
The British Daily Mail is sent every morning at 8:30 am GMT, or 4:30 am EDT. Flaubert and her staff have announced that, after catching up on Degrassi, they have begun working on a Canadian translation to be released hopefully within the next month. They are reportedly “eh, sorry aboot the wait.”
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