By Asaph Wagner
Two of Bard’s star students, John Rauch and Dani Hernandez, were arrested this morning at 8 o’clock in their dorm. Despite the clear regulation of not lighting a fire indoors, they decided that a better alternative to smoking cigarettes is to smoke electronic ones. Although ecigarettes are known to be as toxic, cancerous, and polluting as normal cigarettes, the State of New York banned them completely for being lame. The governor was quoted: “If you’re lame, move to Jersey.” The imprisoned students are due to face trial this upcoming Monday; due to the new status of the law, they fear a severe sentence. “I thought it was harmless,” John said, “but now I know my peers are affected by it--not just smoke, but the revelation that I’m a douche.” “Now I know I must stop vaping,” Dani said. “I just needed something phallic in my mouth.”
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