by Lola Buncher
Bard College President Leon Botstein has been under fire recently due to the discovery of black mold in the residence halls of many students. This mold problem has been neglected for quite some time, leading to out rage among the student body.
Last night, Leon spoke on this matter onstage at a Fisher Center orchestra music concert. “Do any of you know how hard it is to become a college president?” asked Botstein before peeling off his human-shaped skin suit and revealing himself to be a massive blob of black mold. “Especially when you are mold!”
Upon this reveal, the audience of students and faculty became violently ill, coughing and sneezing relentlessly. Mold Leon shouted at the audience, with tears streaming down his moldy face, “None of you know what it’s like being mold!”
Later that night, when asked to speak further on the issue of mold infestation in the dorms, Leon simply stated, “Leave my brothers and sisters ALONE!” Rumor has it that Leon plans to continue his presidency in his true form, and has allegedly ditched his "shackles of the human physique.”