My Review of the “Straightforward Hotel”

by Lola Buncher

This afternoon, upon landing in New Jersey, I found myself spending a night at Newark’s very own Straightforward Hotel. It met all of my expectations.

Normally I might have been discontented upon finding a blood stain in the carpet, but it was included in the advertisement, so I couldn’t complain.

I was exceptionally pleased to find that my room lacked the globs of semen or the smattering of pubes that I had been promised. However, I was quite disappointed upon realizing that the Andes mint that was so kindly left on my pillow was, in fact, not a mint at all. In their defense, I should have carried my wits about me in regards to an unwrapped chocolate on my pillow.

Overall rating: 3/5 stars.

I knew what I was getting myself into.