By Nathanael Matos
It was an unusually long winter this year, here at Bard College, with snowfall stretching all the way into late April. Many people have speculated that it was a result of climate change caused by a bunch of of science-y hoo-ha. After doing a bit of investigative journalism, this reporter has found the true cause. It turns out, that on one fateful night in the middle of March, a small group of Dungeons and Dragons players on South campus accidentally opened a portal to another dimension. Thankfully due to their level 5 wizard’s counterspell and a lucky natural 20, the gate closed before any demons or dragons could escape onto the campus grounds. However, one creature did manage to slip through undetected: a bheur hag. If that jumble of letters looks fake to you, let me assure you that it is real. Bheur hags, also known as winter hags, are fey creatures that bring with them relentlessly cold winters. The winter hag in question managed to evade detection long enough to slip into the woods behind Blithewood and make its nest. After another few weeks of random snow storms, the same band of intrepid DnD-ers discovered this creature and stormed into its nest, defeating it in mortal combat armed with only a really big stick, a trash can lid shield, a Dungeons and Dragons Fifth Edition Dungeon Master’s Guide, and a taser. The heroes effortlessly slew the Bheur and saved us all from more snow, just in time for Spring Fling. The heroes wished to remain unnamed, as they also caused the whole brouhaha. Regardless, thanks are in order.
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