The Battle Continues: Ken Cooper and Cliff Face-Off Concludes

By Akiva Hirsch

In a shocking conclusion to a campus-wide nightmare, security has been restored to Bard College. After over a month of searching for the missing former director of security Ken Cooper, President Leon Botstein decided to make his annual administrative decision by weighing in on how Cooper would be replaced [his quote has been edited for length], “Ah, one nuance found in the rules of Bard College is that ah, if an administrator is defeated in combat, their challenger shall ah, take their place. I am particularly aware of this esoteric clause as I became president by defeating Reamer Kline using my black-belt level training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, you follow me? Those were good days, before … anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, now Cliff will be head of security as he has bested Ken Cooper in mortal combat. Now then, I return to my home where I will continue to ponder.” Although Cliff has only been head of security and safety for just under a week, students note a much higher quality of life on campus, as one junior was pleased to report, “now that Cliff has instituted a policy of publicly roasting anyone suspected of stealing an item, nobody’s belongings have gone missing. No one wants that smoke.” Ken Cooper’s whereabouts are still unknown, but Cliff is unconcerned about the possibility of a reverse-coup. “[Expletive] if that [expletive] Ken Cooper tries it, I just won’t [expletive] pull my punches this time around.”