Study Finds Bard Students Are 5% A Star Is Born Soundtrack

By Asaph Wagner

The Psychology and Sociology departments here at Bard are known to conduct yearly test on Bard's student body, commonly known as FYSEM. This year's experiment reached the conclusion that Bard students are 5% A Star Is Born soundtrack. Experts believe that parts of Lady Gaga's CD made it into the local water supply, which prompted the popularity of the movie. "I just can't seem to stop singing those soulful tunes," says first-year Terry Press. "Bradley Cooper's guttural voice is constantly keeping me up at night.

Warner Bros. Pictures denied all accusations of intentionally tampering with the water supply. For now, there is no need to worry, says Warner Bros., as only larger doses would affect the body. A complete transformation has only been witnessed on several ruggedly handsome squirrels with perfect pitch seen around campus.