By Noah Wurtz
Last week, Bard College President Leon Botstein took first place in the Presidential Roller-Dance-Off, raising over $150,000 for Bard College.
It all began three months ago, when President Botstein read the sticky note on his refrigerator he had put there almost 33 years before, after he had first taken charge of the college. In crude handwriting, partially obscured by the stain of some ancient Chinese food, it simply read: ‘Dont ferget ndowment’.
“Every once in a while, when I’m scanning the interior of my refrigerator for a stimulating snack,” said Botstein, “I notice that old sticky note and think, hey, why not stick a couple extra bucks in there.” After grabbing a couple of pickles from the pickle shelf, Botstein immediately set to work.
Lucky for him, the decennial Presidential Roller-Dance-Off, a fundraising event in which college presidents roller-dance for money, was only three months away. The President decided to seize the opportunity.
The Board of Directors set aside a budget of $12,000 dollars for costuming and wheel grease, and contacted Dance Department Chair Maria Sampson to aid in choreography. “Leon and his colleagues are a real pleasure to work with,” Maria told Bardvark, “Once they get out of those stuffy three piece suits, they really are quite lithe!”
Botstein and his Board spent the following week in his home, veiled in total secrecy. It is speculated that during this week they practiced Botstein's roller-dance routine in the full sized roller rink he is rumored to have built in his basement. Indeed, students report hearing what sounded like Flashdance’s ‘What a Feeling’ drifting out of the President's house until the wee hours of the night.
When the day finally arrived, a fleet of limousines and BMW’s pulled into the parking lot of the Fisher Center for the Performing Arts. Out piled the wealthy donors, twirling their moustaches and clutching handfuls of money to later be tossed at the bedazzled roller boots of their favorite college president.
Students bubbled with anticipation. “There’s nothing better than seeing our endowment get increased ever so slightly by desperately entertaining a few wealthy donors!” beamed one student. “I don’t even care if our endowment gets bigger, as long as we have money to buy more cool stuff!” gushed another.
The festivities went off without a hitch. Elizabeth H. Bradley, the newly elected president of Vassar College, proved to be healthy competition for President Botstein. Bedecked in a spectacular Roman gladiator costume, she managed to land a perfect double kick spin to the tune of ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ by Cyndi Lauper. “It was really amazing,” said one observer, “and she managed to do it all while holding a gladius and iaculum!”
But nobody proved a match for President Botstein. Dressed in a simple blue leotard, Botstein delivered a heart wrenchingly emotional performance to ‘Landslide’ by Fleetwood Mac. The audience was utterly enchanted. “It was like he was floating across the stage, he really captured something new, yet ultimately essential to the art of roller-dance,” said Bruce Chilton, Bernard Iddings Bell Professor of Religion at Bard College.
President Botstein managed to raise a total of $150,000 for Bard College, after winning first place in the competition. Yet, Botstein tells us, the sticky note remains on his fridge--the Board of Directors decided to invest the winnings in a new turf field where Philosophy majors could think.
“Running a college requires many complex decisions, indeed, more than are immediately apparent. We put a huge amount into this effort, intellectually, politically and emotionally. The endowment isn’t a priority,” Botstein told Bardvark.
For now, the endowment will gather dust alongside President Botstein’s roller skates. That is, until ten years from now, at the next Presidential Roller-Dance-Off.
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