Parents' Weekend Was Canceled Because You're A Failure

By Nathanael Matos

Parents’ Weekend, a time for the mothers, fathers, and legal guardians of Bard students to visit and check in on the progress of their progeny’s exploits, has been unceremoniously canceled. Several concerned and disappointed parents reached out to the Dean of Studies last week, noting their children’s academic shortcomings as the central reason for this cancelation. In one email, a parent wrote, “How am I supposed to pretend to be happy that my son wants to make ‘experimental films’ when his moderation got deferred?”

The news has been met with both criticism and relief. One student was infuriated that he would not have the opportunity to show their father their performance piece. “I stare at a wall watching paint dry for fourteen hours or until I pass out from inhaling the fumes for too long. Whatever happens first.”

Another student took the news as a blessing, telling the Bardvark that they were relieved not to “look my parents in the eyes while I admitted that I was staying in my dorm room, eating Cup o’ Noodles and Pop-Tarts™ instead of going to class.”

Bardvark has chosen to remain neutral on this issue in the hopes of delivering the story in an honest manner. But seriously, get your shit together.

George Alexander Hanlin, this is your mother. I am very disappointed in you. First of all, your credit card statement shows that you have purchased nothing but Criterion Collection Blu-Rays and