by Maya Lavender
When I moved into Resnick B this semester, I was expecting to only have three suite-mates. It quickly became clear that I have a fourth, and I doubt he’s getting charged room and board. Why? BECAUSE HE’S A MOUSE!!! He’s two and a half inches tall, poops in my shower, and eats my Clif Bars. And honestly? I wouldn’t have a problem with this, except for the fact that I’m pretty sure he’s Stuart Little, my middle school bully. Stuart thought he was hot shit because he’s a human boy who happens to look and act like a little white mouse and drive a teeny red convertible. He also called me a skank at the eighth grade dance. Needless to say, I hate him.
I moved one thousand miles away for college to get away from dudes like Stuart, and now he’s living in my walls. I can’t sleep at night because I feel like he’s watching me. And I know if he’s watching me he’s definitely judging me. The pest control specialists over at B&G gave me some traps to set, but I don’t want to go to prison (remember he is an actual real HUMAN BOY who just so happens to LOOK LIKE A MOUSE so if I killed him that would be MURDER). So I bought a catch and release mouse trap from a hardware store and baited it with peanut butter. I waited until I heard the little door slam shut and then went to check the trap.
Instead of my middle school nemesis, I found the cage entirely empty except for a tiny note that read “u thot u cud get rid of me u dum bitch. watch ur back.” Stuart had gotten a taste for peanut butter and now he wants my blood. I set every trap from B&G and then slashed his stupid little tires so he can’t leave. Who’s the skank now, Stuart??!?!?!?
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