By Clayton Webb
Well, Bardians, it’s that time of year again. The leaves are changing, and goblins and ghouls spritely jump across campus, causing mischief where they may as the veil between our world and theirs becomes thinner and thinner. Legendary campus spirits such as the Tewks Toilet Monster, the Stone Row Slut Shamer, and Hannah Arendt have begun to frequent their respective haunts. However, residents of Manor House may find that their very own Manor House ghost has been awfully quiet the past few weeks, and one has to wonder: does it have something to do with Black Lives Matter?
The Manor House ghost has historically been very vocal about current global issues. We all remember 2005, when the ground floor was flooded waist-deep with sewage in support of Hurricane Katrina disaster relief, or 2015, when all the running water became pig's blood for twenty-four hours in protest of the European migrant crisis, or even as recently as last year, when student Gregory Mendelson burned alive in his dorm room to raise awareness for global warming. That’s not all: alumni will no doubt remember October 31, 1992, when all the residents of Manor House woke up gay, to raise awareness for gay rights.
This year, Manor House residents have been getting full nights of uninterrupted sleep without even a single blood curdling scream or any ominous, disembodied whispers. They shower without fear of eels or snakes, and occasionally will even sleep with their lights all off, risking being preyed upon by ghostly figures dressed as scary nuns. In fact, this year’s only supernatural activity thought to be attributed to the Manor House ghost was reported two weeks ago by Felix Monroe, who reported having no face at all for three hours after taking shrooms for the first time.
The only reasonable explanation can be that the manor house ghost feels that BLM is somehow “off limits” or “too fresh”. On behalf of the student body, the Bardvark would like to address the Manor House ghost directly. Manor House ghost, if you are a patron of the Bardvark, hear our plea: this is your time! Give us something––anything! A simple ACAB written in blood in one of the hallways would suffice, remind us that you are here and we are afraid! Use this time of fear and terror to amplify black voices and stand up for what is right!