By Annie Dodson
It’s that special time of year again: the time when we fear sudden mass death. This time, it’s from a global pandemic. Taking this fact into consideration, Bard College has started creating additional plots of land in the graveyard on campus.
Students became aware of the expansion via job postings on Handshake. The Buildings and Grounds Horticulture department posted several job listings, seeking student landscapers, gardeners, and gravediggers. To the department’s surprise, each job listing had dozens of applicants.
“The main tasks for these positions are pretty typical landscaping duties,” said Pamy Arella, the head of the Horticulture department, in an interview. “But, you know, landscaping for the imminent deaths of your friends. So I guess not that typical.”
In an exclusive with President Botstein himself, I learned some shocking information. “There are a large number of students here on scholarship, which is wonderful. However, the scholarships only can cover a certain amount of the expenses.” When pressed for more information, Botstein said: “Students on scholarships will have the... compulsory opportunity to dig their own… custom graves.”
I reached out to a student working in the new cemetery expansion, the senior named Walker. “I take it Botstein told you the scholarship kid thing. But what he didn’t tell you…” he began to whisper, “is that we’re building an exclusive section with elaborate gardens, crypts, and mausoleums for students whose parents are donors to the school.”
The graveyard expansion project is expected to last the months of November and December, preparing for the inevitable consequences of students traveling home for winter break and returning to campus in the spring. Arguments have already been started about where each student will be buried in the cemetery. Despite the fact that only student ID numbers will be displayed on the graves, students have been overheard arguing about which exact spots they want, claiming “dibs” under certain trees or shrubs they like, as well as planning which of their friends they will be buried with.
But the extravagances don’t stop there. I asked Pamy Arella why the expansion project was taking so long, and she disclosed some of the more lengthy aspects. “Botstien has requested a pyramid.”
Pamy sent me to the Buildings and Grounds Carpentry Department for more information. Dob Rickson was more than happy to discuss the status of Botstein’s pyramid: “Yes, Botstien has put in a special request to the carpenters. He has asked us to construct a large pyramid for him and his family to be buried in. I have also heard that he is planning some sort of raffle for students to get the chance to be buried in the pyramid alongside him.”
All of this preparation made me curious—where would I be buried after I die on campus? I then recalled something Botstien had said in our interview: Students who were not financially cleared, or who still had outstanding fees on their account balance, would be “taken care of in an alternative and sustainable manner.” After some more digging, I discovered this to mean “thrown off the Rhinecliff bridge.”
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