By Maya Lavender
It’s that time of year again! The time when friends have to decide what group costume to pick. This is the hands-down one of the most audacious things anyone has ever had the gall of saying to me. For as long as I can remember, I have been part of a trio of women, despite knowing that this is a dangerous social standing to have, come the end of October. But rarely does anyone think of pulling a stunt like this, except for that time one of my two estranged aunts did this exact thing to my mom. In fact, there is a rule—both spoken and unspoken—that the Sanderson Sisters from the movie Hocus Pocus are always off the table when it comes to group Halloween costumes. Why? Because the person suggesting it always wants to be the hot one, though rarely does she have the nerve to explicitly say it, meaning she expects the other two chumps to be the dumb ugly ones.
Now your friend might play coy and say something like “Well I don’t know, I just thought it would be fun. I don’t really care who’s who.” But what’s fun about dressing up like Kathy Najimy dressed like a witch, and if your friend really didn’t care, then why does she already have a blonde wig? Hmm? She won’t even be able to look you in the eye when she says that Bette Midler is “totally the hot one” of the group. The traitor might even go so far as to say that this is the only possible costume the three of you can be. But let me give you some rebuttals right here right now: The Powerpuff Girls, The Plastics from Mean Girls, the main cast from the movie Aquamarine. And if she tries to say that she can’t get the money back for the blonde wig, remind her that it’s her fault for prematurely and at all patronizing Spirit Halloween and that all of the aforementioned group costumes still have a blonde girl that will inevitably steal the spotlight from the other two and this should make her happy because she’s a vapid, selfish backstabber who was only ever friends with you in the first place to make herself look hotter by comparison.
But ultimately, an unfortunate rift has been formed and will never be mended. Let your former friend dress up like Sarah Jessica Parker on her own and then never speak to her again, because her behavior has been unacceptable.