By Asaph Wagner
To draw more students into the wonders of learning a language (in addition to offering study abroad opportunities where students may spread Lyme disease among other things) the department of Foreign Languages has decided to reproduce the conditions of the Siege of Stalingrad, 1942. German and Russian students will be required to fight over the dwindling number of uncomfortable chairs while wearing period clothing. German speakers will not have appropriate winter clothes, while Russian speakers will have funny fur hats. If the elaborate plan somehow fails, Room 203 will be converted into a genuine Berlin techno club which will feature a drug dealer in the toilets and one singular, monotone beat.
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