By Brian Watko
A long-standing Bard College tradition involving Hannah Arendt’s final resting place was shattered this weekend when Simon McKinley, a sophomore misogynist studying Written Arts, insisted on having sex on Philip Roth’s grave instead.
“Eichmann in Jerusalem is good and all, but Arendt really doesn’t hold a candle to the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of American Pastoral,” McKinley explained to Emma Benson, a Psychology major whose opinion on the matter had not been taken into consideration. “Also, Phil’s headstone seems like a better surface to bone on.”
Sources confirm that McKinley continued to sing Roth’s praises to his partner even during their awkward tryst on top of the late author’s memorial. “His novella The Breast was my sexual awakening,” panted McKinley. “Aren’t we all just 155-pound boobs fighting against our own carnal desires?”
Bardvark reporters spoke to both participants on Monday, asking them for their thoughts on their recent encounter and on the Philip Roth oeuvre.
“It was really weird,” confessed Benson, stirring a coffee in Taste Budd’s cafe. “Simon kept going on about how virile Philip Roth was. I looked at his picture afterwards and I don’t get what all the fuss is about. He looked like if Ted Bundy had no charisma.”
“I’ve felt this really strong connection to P.R. ever since a girl in a fiction workshop described me as a penis with a thesaurus,” said McKinley, still sitting on top of Roth’s boulder-like tombstone. His voice faltered and tears pricked up in the corners of his eyes. “I just know Philly would’ve loved to know that two supple-bodied twenty-somethings were making love on top of his bones.”
Emma doubts that she will see McKinley in the future. “He kept saying Philip Roth’s name instead of mine. It was very off-putting. Also,” she added, leaning in closer, “he referred to his ejaculate as his Human Stain.”
Though Simon did not point it out himself, this reporter could not help but notice a discolored spot on Philip Roth’s headstone.
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