By Sharon Greene
Dr. Robert Ambrosia held up a jar of of prehistoric fish bones. He shook them around to demonstrate his dissatisfaction. “We’ve extracted at least five of these in the last month,” he told me. “We are constantly reminding our patients, specifically the ones from Bard, that their out of state insurance may not cover this sort of surgery and that they should be careful. Apparently they don’t care.” Dr. Fastrata, a gastroenterologist, voiced her frustrations with the constant in-flow of Bard students, “I mean, Jesus Christ, this is a semi-rural hospital, not a Roald Dahl story. I don’t even know how these kids get so fucked up.” Reportedly, overhire had to be budgeted in, not to clean up blood, but to dispose of twenty pounds of feathers strewn about the fourth floor facilities. “Don’t even get me started on January,” a nurse told us. “We try our best. We give them fluids and some chocolate and then we have to send them back.” She leaned close to me, “We really worry about them in January.” At press time, sources claim to have heard a crescendo of shrieking emanate from the hospital ER, followed by the sound of an acoustic guitar breaking.
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