By John Reisert
Kline workers have issued a statement announcing stricter security policies. This measure is in response to the rise of fruit-stealing gangs among the student population. Known groups include: the Peach Smugglers, the Apple Syndicate, and the Banana Cartel. One anonymous gang member claims that students have been successfully able to smuggle up to 8 pieces of fruit per meal.
“The rule is very clear,” said one employee. “Two pieces of fruit per person, please!” New security measures include, but are not limited too, metal detectors, fruit sniffing dogs, pat downs, and (in banana cases) cavity searches. “It’s unpleasant, but absolutely necessary,” said Donna while donning a rubber glove. “We’ll do whatever it takes to make sure these kids are staying in line.”
This heightened security has caused controversy among students, who claim that these measures are extreme and unfair. “Life isn’t fair!” responded Donna. “Students should know that their actions have consequences!” One student described the updated measures as “inhumane, extreme, and unnecessary.”( Don’t worry, this Bardvark reporter quickly convinced the commenter otherwise by calling that bitch-ass student a “fucking loser.”)
Despite the widespread backlash, some students are showing support for Kline’s newest fruit policies, with one student believing them to be a good sign that their tuition money was being put to good use.
Although the future of these updated security measures is uncertain, its seems likely that they are here to stay. Kline hopes for a decline in fruit stealing gang culture in the coming weeks. Inside reporting indicates that the most pressing issue these measures face is that “the fruit sniffing dogs are just too cute.”
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