by Clayton Webb
Earlier this week, Sr. General Manager of Bard Dining Tony Williams introduced an all-new concept for the campus’ main dining hall, Kline: troughs. This decision is in direct response to criticism concerning Kline’s approach to COVID safety, which leaves many points of contact between servers and students. Inspired by his youth feeding pigs on a farm in rural Pennsylvania, Williams believes this new dining plan is the solution that everyone is looking for.
Here’s a rundown of the changes you can expect in the next few weeks. Staff is already in the process of removing all tables and chairs and installing all-new, state of the art, 16-foot stainless steel troughs in Kline dining spaces. Students will be expected to sit socially distanced from one another on small wooden stools that Parkhurst has bought en-masse from small scale cow milking operations across the country. The only rule? No hands allowed. That's right; students will be required to sit on their own hands while dining to ensure their “grubby little fingers don’t get up in anybody’s business.”
Additionally, students can expect a slight change in menu options too, as food will now have to be the proper consistency to be tossed into the trough from a bucket. In short, get ready for a lot more rice bran, cassava, maize, as well as delicious fruit and vegetable scraps and, on occasion, fresh grass clippings. Executive chef Shannon Hume describes it as “the balanced diet to make our beautiful students grow into truly mouth watering specimens worthy of first place at the county fair,” and we’re inclined to believe her, as she was smacking her lips throughout the entire interview.
Already, the new plan for Kline is receiving glowing praise from students and faculty alike. One first-year, Parlin Shields, described it as “the $18,000 dining plan I want. Finally Bard is listening to us, the people”. Even President Botstein has spoken out in support of the plan; in a private interview with the Bardvark last Tuesday, he told us what he really thought as he picked his teeth with a small animal bone: “Yes, very good, very good.” Then, looking the reporter up and down, he licked his lips and said, “My mouth waters at the very thought of your fat-marbled flesh. I mean, these forthright new safety measures.”
All this support has led Parkhurst to develop a super-secret “Phase Two” that is set to roll out early next semester, parts of which are already under construction by the entrance (you’ve probably seen the signs posted by Kline). Judging from the crates that have been going through Building and Grounds, it has something to do with motorized cutting tables and dehairing machines. We’re not sure exactly what’s in store, but the Bardvark is determined to find out how the sausage gets made.
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