Ken Cooper Falls into Well, Sends Increasingly Distressed Emails

By Payton Miller

Bard Students across campus woke up Saturday morning to a mysteriously panicked string of emails from head of Bard Security, Ken Cooper. The first of these urgent messages was titled “A Plea to Gentle Bardians,” while the last was titled “I’m Still in The Well--Someone Call Lassie.” While no student receiving said emails was certain as to what had occurred, reports show Cooper was later discovered at the bottom of the well beside the chapel, covered in ice and snow. Officer Cliff Powell was allegedly the brave soul to free the head of security from his underground prison, after being the only one on scene able to identify him. When asked about the incident, Cliff seemed amused, but refused to share any further details with the Bardvark. According to those who witnessed it, Cooper’s rise from the well was “surprisingly graceful.”

As for the man himself, any opportunity to comment was ignored, in favor of writing much bigger, and much more important emails for the community of Bard College.