John Gomez: “The War On The Village Has Begun”

By Brigid Pfeifer

During the winter break, Bard Security was hard at work planning their attack on the residents of the Resnick Commons. Unwilling to allow students with cars to use the Village as a thoroughfare, Security has erected “a barricade,” in the words of Security director John Gomez. “In our battle against the obnoxious and horny Bard students, we have created our very own barricade against them. A gate of sorts, with a chain. Now I can’t imagine any vehicle disrupting the peace of the Village,” said Gomez with a sly grin and menacing laugh. “I look forward to our future plans. Next, I’d like to set a ban on music coming out of anything besides headphones. I’m still proud of another achievement we recently made—I made my minions sit on the nighttime shuttles. I’m now thinking of having them stay on the damn bus all day long. I want to end the careless parties and shenanigans at Bard. I want to take over the entire institution!”

Multiple students have reported seeing Gomez singing “Stars” from Les Misérables on the roof of the Fisher Center for the Performing Arts.

Unfortunately for Gomez, students have taken little to no notice of his efforts. “He thinks this ‘barricade’ is this all-powerful tool, but you can easily unlock the chain,” said junior Abby Mills. Another student, Joshua Hamm, claimed, “There’s a parking lot behind a few of the houses in the Village, and the Cruger lot is right next to it. Most of us just use those anyway.”

When the Bardvark discussed the student responses with Gomez, he replied, with maniacal laughter. “Ha! I’d like to see them try to destroy it. That is an unbreakable chain! You need my Incredible Hulk strength to loosen it up! If they keep acting like the privileged brats they are, then I’ll turn those supposed other parking lots into a field station!” The Bardvark informed Gomez that Bard already has a field station. “Are you trying to outsmart me?” asked Gomez. His raised right eyebrow twitched severely. “If you keep distributing this pointless drivel all over campus, then I’ll make your silly magazine serve its issues on napkins from Kline. Check. Mate.”

At press time, Gomez was seen in his office, diabolically moving chessmen across a suspiciously campus-shaped board.