By Brigid Pfeifer
“If your offering is a goat, you are to present it before the Lord…” Leviticus 3:12 may sound simple to most, but it appears that one who may need more of an explanation is the Lord God himself. During mass at the Chapel of Holy Innocents on Sunday, it was revealed that the night before God made a long distance telephone call from the Kingdom to Bruce Chilton’s office on Bard’s campus. Mr. Chilton confirms that he was hard at work theorizing about the lack of religious involvement in college students today when he got the call. One of God’s most pressing questions concerned differing word choice in various translations of the Bible, “I know it says ‘goat’ but in other translations it just says ‘animal.’ So what if they present a pig to me?” Chilton gave a curt answer, “Goat is just the most common offering.” Holy sources confirm having seen God hastily jott down this answer in his moleskine notebook before going on with more of his questions, feverishly flipping through a dogeared New Revised Standard Version bible all the while. “If the priests splash blood against the sides of the altar, isn’t that going to stain the carpet?” “How do you remove the long lobe of liver from the kidneys?” “Is the food offering the same as the internal organs you’re supposed to present?” By this point, Bruce Chilton was so fed up that he shouted, “Oh my God! Just go read the Bible for once!” At press time, God was seen sitting dejectedly outside the professor’s office, waiting for office hours to commence.
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