By Jackson Spargur
Several students of Bard College in Annandale-on-Hudson, New York, reported last Sunday strange lights and sounds emanating from north campus, as the Fisher Center for the Performing Arts appeared to have risen from its foundations and sped off into the sky, leaving a smell of burning ozone, a ring of singed grass, and - according to many reports - a frantic Shia LaBeouf sprinting from the scene. LaBeouf, along with fellow actor Harrison Ford, had been on campus attending an archaeology conference hosted by the anthropology department. It is as yet unclear what role the Fisher Center may have played in the conference, which sources say focused on new discoveries relating to a lost 16th Century Spanish expedition to Central America, but many witnesses to the former performing arts center’s smooth ascension into the sky recall a train of Soviet 1950’s-era amphibious vehicles careening through the Robbins parking lot towards the Frank Gehry-designed alleged spacecraft shortly beforehand. Shia LaBeouf could not be reached for comment.
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