By Nathanael Matos
Down the Road Cafe has now decided to embrace the Bardian agenda of low-waste consumption. Starting next week, DtR will be having local chickens brought to their little corner of the Bertelsmann Campus Centre, where they will be euthanized for the consumption of their patrons. Not only will Bardians now be treated to having fresh, local poultry for all their poultry-based needs, patrons who arrive a half-hour before their doors open for business each morning will be treated to quite a show. Every morning, a designated worker will be selected to perform a ritualistic sacrifice of the first chicken in the dining area right outside the main entrance. This chicken, after having been blessed by the Chaplain, Mary Grace Williams, will then be thrown in the ‘Pot of Destiny’ for the morning’s specialty soup -- beak, feet, feathers, crest, and all. Fret not animal lovers, the chickens will be killed humanely (with the exception of the one chosen for the morning’s ritual). New menu items will also be added to include every part of the chickens slain. Soon you will be able to top your early risers with grilled cloaca or have chicken blood sauce for your pizzas. One student, upon hearing this news, expressed his excitement, “Oh God.” I think his words can echo the sympathies of all members of the Bard community.
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