By Akiva Hirsch
Last night, at approximately 11pm, several dinner parties were disturbed by the sounds of deadly hand-to-hand combat between two of Bard's fiercest warriors: Ken Cooper and Cliff. Cliff, recognized across campus for being the only security guard employed at Bard, drove a golf cart through the front door and up the stairs of the Old Gym before finally arriving at Ken Cooper's office. Security footage shows Cliff and Ken Cooper argued for a moment before Ken Cooper assumed a crane stance in the style of The Karate Kid, followed by kicking Cliff through the wall and onto the pavement below. Early reporters on the scene remarked that this only seemed to anger Cliff. He then jumped to his feet, began levitating, and through an energy ball at Ken Cooper. Ken Cooper has not been seen since, but rumor has it that he's hiding behind the one bulletproof wall in Olin.
According to several students who wish to remain anonymous, Cliff had been considering taking control of the security department for weeks. "I remember him saying something like "I could run this [expletive] show better than Ken [expletive]ing Cooper," one student recalls. Until an official decision regarding security department command has been made, Donna from Kline will be interim-director of security.
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