by Megan Brien
Sources confirm having seen the hulking figures of two men leaving the home of Bard College President Leon Botstein last Friday night. One witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, recalls leaving the library around midnight before the sighting, “I was heading home, toward the graveyard since I live in Hirsch. That’s when I saw them--these two guys. They were wearing gloves and one of them had blood all over his shirt. And the other one--he had this huge gym bag. They got into a Chartwells van and drove away. When they passed by where I was hiding, I could hear this mournful, vaguely Italian trumpet music playing. I can’t stop thinking about it.” The college president has reportedly been spotted wearing an arm sling and walking with a slight limp since the night in question. When asked about his injuries, President Botstein merely shrugged his good shoulder and credited them to a “bowling accident.”
This news follows a string of speculation concerning the college’s precarious financial situation with the catering company. Investigative reporting has revealed that Bard may owe Chartwells upwards of four million dollars, with some sources indicating the possible involvement of Chartwells’s parent company, Compass Group. Mafia expert Gloria Shiffer suggests a link between these details and the recent incident involving President Botstein, “It’s not uncommon for a business like Compass Group to organize a shakedown when a client won’t pay. I wouldn't be surprised if those two guys were a couple of flunkies.” According to Shiffer, it is unlikely the pressure will stop any time soon. “Unless Bard can find a way to shell out four mill quick, I would expect to see the President in a steady state of decline. Compass goombahs don’t mess around. If he’s not careful, Bard could go the way of Hampshire. Trust me, you don’t want that.” Due to financial problems, Hampshire College has recently announced a decision to not enroll any new first-year students this coming fall. Many see this news as a forewarning of the school’s closure. “Oh, they’re definitely going down. I heard at least five of their guys got whacked over the last two weeks,” says Shiffer.
Threats have also be made regarding the production of food in Kline Commons, Bard College’s dining facility. Inside information hints that the starve out could commence as soon as this semester unless a compromise is reached. After unearthing this information, Bardvark contacted Shiffer a second time. She had only one thing to say: “It’s a message job, plain and simple. Through the mouth. You better hope Botstein thinks of something fast, or the students at Bard College are gonna get a nasty taste of the waste management business.”
Comments