Campus Cat Achilles Revealed To Actually Be Ancient Warlock President of Bard College

By Alyssa May White

Sources have confirmed that Achilles, a large black cat typically known to frequent Keen North, is actually an ancient warlock founder of Bard College that maintains a heavy, and secretive, influence over the school’s running. Every full moon, it is reportedly possible to telepathically receive his wisdom by going deep into the woods near Blithewood.

Coraline Brown, graduating senior, has been a loyal follower of Achilles since her first year. She tells Bardvark, “You are all followers of the wisdom of Achilles, whether or not you know it. All decisions are final through him. President Botstein is merely a puppet which our Dark Lord Achilles controls.”

Regular attendees of these “Dark Full Moon Masses” claim that communing with the ancient warlock disguised as a cat gives them special knowledge. It is said he imparts special wisdom on them at each gathering, and that every time they do well on an assignment he rewards them with another piece of sacred arcane knowledge.

We went to Achilles for comment, but all he did was yawn and stretch out further in his spot of sun (though this reporter would swear she was winked at). The only way to know for sure what’s going on is to join the Followers of Achilles at the next full moon! Rejoice! PRAISE HIM!