By Rachael Gunning
Although the Bard campus has been flourishing since the demise of Botstein, the late president has awoken from his coma. While some have heralded his return as a “miracle,” many more have declared it to be “a crime against nature and academia.” Botstein’s renewed indentured servant, who wishes to remain anonymous, explained: “Even though we shelled out all that money to entomb him in his giant statue, Botstein secretly kept a comatose doppelgänger in a private hospital. Nurses say he pouted before opening his eyes and demanding his glasses.” She sighed, adding, “We had to blow up the statue to get them.”
“It was a technique an alumnus told me about,” Leon Botstein explained. “Charles, I think his name was. Honestly, I was hoping I wouldn’t need to use my double so soon. Now I have to shave to maintain my bald veneer.” At this, Botstein displayed a picture of himself in the hospital with a full set of hair before steering away in his new wheelchair.
Recently, Botstein announced plans to begin an additional conservatory. The application process includes questions such as “Do you have the ability to teleport, produce portals, or move at inhuman speeds?” and “Do you transform if you shout ‘Shazam!’?” as well as “Got any adamantium claws?”
All water bottles are to be banned from Bard campus, effective immediately.
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