Bazooka Ball Sergeant has Clearly Seen Some Shit

By Philip Carroll

On Saturday, May 4th, dozens of eager, drunk Bard students filed into the MPR to participate in the much-publicized Bazooka Ball event. Anticipating an evening of lighthearted fun, they were not prepared for what awaited them.

“We all came in pretty excited,” reported Bard senior Allison Moren, an avid fan of Bazooka Ball. “But this man was just sitting in a lawn chair directly in the middle of the room, smoking a cigar. Silently. Just looking at us as we walked in. We were all pretty confused.”

After twelve minutes or so of uncomfortable silence, the man stood up and introduced himself to the crowd. “My name, by birth, is Vernon Nashfield. But you will refer to me as ‘Bleed’.” Alison reports that Bleed wore a full U.S. Army jumpsuit and several dog tags.

“Bleed is here to keep you all in check. Make sure you all know what’s at stake,” he continued, talking in the third-person. “Optimism is ill-advised.” Sources confirm that at this time he ordered students to form a line as he approached them.

“War never changes. Odds are, you’ll lose a lot of good men today. And that’s if you’re lucky. I’ve fought in the United States Armed Forces for over sixty years. I’ve killed nearly three hundred men, and twice as many have tried to kill me. You can’t fathom what I’ve seen in this time. You think you know grief. Pain. You think you’ve felt your blood boil with anger, knowing you could have done more. You think you’ve felt what it’s like to lose. To feel so desperately that you’re right and to fail nonetheless. But you don’t know these things. Not yet. Today will be a learning experience for all of us. You’re all very brave for coming here today. I hope your peers remember you.”

At this moment, the lights cut out. “It has begun!” Bleed screamed, as several SWAT members burst through the windows of the MPR, shooting Bazooka Balls at students.

“It was madness. So many things went down in there, that, that… can this interview be over?” said Allison, flustered, as she sidled out of the Bardvark headquarters.

Sources report, but cannot confirm, that Bleed himself was not directly involved in the skirmish and spent most of the time sitting in his folding chair, smoking his cigar.

Bleed was not seen before the event had begun or after it had concluded, and his whereabouts remain unknown. Please be on the lookout for a man with several scars on his face and upper body in addition to a fervent affinity for Bazooka Ball.