By Audrey Russell
We do not regret to inform you that in the wake of Leon Botstein’s death*, Bardvark writer Rebekah Watts has been removed from our staff indefinitely in the name of comedy. Watts has been a member of the BRAD team since her freshman year, and over the course of her time at the Bardvark she has produced nothing but mediocre headlines referencing the real and imagined quirks of the late Bard president. Her most notable earlier works include “Botstein Goes To Barber” “something something cigarettes something something Botstein” and “Uh, I couldn’t really figure out a good phrasing for this but like wouldn’t it be hysterical if Botstein and Botkline ate lunch together, but like in Kline?” Needless to say, none of these were published due to the fact that we have standards.
Following the passing of Botstein, Watts’ work has become both darker and more pathetically hopeful: “Botstein Alive, Still Magnificent”, “Botstein Commemorated In 50-Foot Marble Statue, Is Therefore Immortal In Our Hearts”, “Botstein Seen Wandering Manor Lawn With Axe” and “Botstein And Botstein’s Corpse Never Seen Together In The Same Room: Could It Be?” Despite calls from the Bardvark staff to go to therapy or to please stop, Watts continued to produce increasingly concerning headlines about Botstein’s perceived lack of death and sometimes immortality. She even went so far as to write a scathing opinion piece slandering the name of water bottles in general. After several interventions, the BRAD team has decided to terminate her presence at the Bardvark forever. Watts will not be missed.
*Burtswattle, Sylvia. "Water Bottle Dropped From Third Floor Of Library; Also Botstein Is Dead." Bardvark, December 2018
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