Absolute Fucking Bitch-Idiot has Opinion on BBQ Seitan

by Felix Monroe

Students, I come to you live with a breaking report detailing of disquieting news: some fucking neanderthal has the absolute gall to criticize BBQ seitan. This ugly waste of space was overheard running their stupid, useless, rancid mouth in the corner of Old Kline Commons this September 30th at approximately 2:24 PM. The gibbering dunce, when asked by a friend tablemate to try a bite of the tender and savory meat substitute, remarked “Nah.” Pressed by horrified onlookers, this shit-for-brains buffoon deigned to follow up with a pathetic “I don’t think it's as good as everyone says it is.” The lecherous imbecile then went on to remark that “that stuff” tasted like “wet bread” and that “it’s weird that we all pretend otherwise.”

The rotted fucking fool remained unbowed when the rest of the table, still reeling from this onslaught of verbal lunacy, attempted to talk them down from this rhetorical cliff. “Just try it, Bethany!” fell onto the deaf, dumb, and apparently tasteless ears of the philistine slag. “Isn’t it also funny,” the raving maniac went on, heedless to even the gates of heaven closing their doors on such a hapless case, “that it kind of sounds like Satan?” You shut your mouth, you bitch-soaked scumfuck. You sound like the devil’s harlot themselves. I condemn thee to the dankest, darkest pits of hell for the slander you have loosed from your seitan-less maw. How dare you, you hobgoblin, you witch, you leviathan hog. Eat shit.