By Brigid Pfeifer
Sources confirm that last night, St. John’s the Evangelist Episcopal Church had over 200 Bard students camped out in a long line of tents, sleeping bags, and stacks of blankets. The phenomenon confused many locals of Barrytown, generating speculation throughout the community. “Those kids are pretty politically active,” remarked one resident, “I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re just campin’ out early to vote.” Witnesses attest that, on the third day, the assembled students prepared a bonfire into which many threw sacrificial offerings, including an abundance of wildflowers and several Sufjan Stevens records. However, this gathering was cut short after a fed-up local resident phoned the police, complaining that “the sheer presence of students off-campus is enough to keep me at home on Election Day.” Local law enforcement proceeded to inform the head of the church of this situation. When the priest arrived on the scene, he calmly reminded the students that Election Day is not until November 6th, adding (with a wink) that they “would have first dibs for their eagerness.” It was then that the students realized their mistake. After leaving and getting in touch with friends, the Bardians soon discovered that the rumored discounted weed was actually being sold at St. Sylvia’s in Tivoli. “I would say it was a waste of a couple of days, but I did get a few good verses down during the bonfire,” commented sophomore Nathan Diggs as he packed away his camping gear.
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