By Nathanael Matos
A recent poll by BardEats has revealed some shocking facts about the consumption habits of Bardians. The poll in question was sent out late last Tuesday and received more than seven responses in the first four days of its opening, a new record for the program’s polls, eventually receiving a whopping 427 responses in total. BardEats plans on using the data gathered for their new initiative to work in conjunction with Chartwells to provide a better overall dining experience for the Bard Community.
According to the data, shared with us by a BardEats insider who wishes to remain anonymous, 19% of students said that their preferred dining experience was at Down the Road Café, while 14% selected Manor Café. Only 3% selected Kline Commons, the majority of which being Freshmen whose meal plans are only valid at Kline. The remaining 63% said that they would “Literally rather eat dirt. Like, actually consume and ingest dirt. Specifically, the kind that is outside. Under the grass. This is not a joke answer. I actually want to put dirt in my mouth, chew it, and then swallow it.”* When prompted with a question about how often they partook in their favored dining experience, 93% of respondents who favored dirt said that they had never partaken in the consumption of dirt, the vast majority citing a lack of readily available nutritional information on dirt or an improper knowledge of the correct ways to prepare dirt for a meal.
BardEats has since responded saying, “We have taken your concerns to heart, and are working to create a better dining experience for the Bard Community. Currently, we are trying to establish a special workshop with one of the world’s most renowned dirt preparers for students to learn how to cook and serve dirt.” No further information has since been given. Bardvark will provide updates as this story develops.
* Quote comes from actual multiple choice response from the BardEats poll in question.
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