by Lola Buncher
For many years, the country’s most elite have congregated at the ~Garçon Riche Humide~, a social hub for the shockingly wealthy. To witness this extravagance first-hand, I had to go deep undercover as Claudette Alderidge Abbot III, a wealthy, high-class homeowner.
Outside of the waterpark, I was greeted by a sign reading “No Top Hat, No Monocle, No Service.” I did not fear; I had come prepared in my finest evening attire. But when I passed through the front gate, I saw an array of images of that will remain burned into my brain for the rest of my life–nay, eternity. Glorious fountains; waterfalls; shimmering wave pools; flowing waterslides; a fat man in a wet T-shirt; and, under all this glory, a hint of pamplemousse. Children laughed, played, and sipped seltzer from the base of the waterfalls. Virile pool boys fed patrons the bubbly wave pool water out of the palms of their cupped hands. Kids sliding down the rides were immediately greeted by swarms of hungry bees, who suckled at their sticky bodies. At one point, someone opened their eyes underwater. Their screams haunt me to this day.
A long passageway led me to the adult section of the park: a large pool filled with White Claw. Drunk patrons seemed to their forget years of yacht club swimming lessons as they sunk to the bottom of the pool. This place is a veritable blood bath, I thought to myself. I wondered why the rich feel the need to flaunt their wealth in such a flamboyant, self-destructive manner. When I asked the sunbathing trust-fund boy next to me about this, he simply laughed and said, “What else would a water park run on? Fiji? You disgust me.”
I watched as heads throughout the park turned towards me. The rich had discovered that I wasn’t one of them. The atmosphere turned dark; I heard low, beating drums from somewhere in the distance. The sticky men and women of this establishment stood to form a circle around me. I fled the scene, knowing my life would be in peril had I stayed another minute. I entered ~Garçon Riche Humide~ looking for answers, for a new perspective, but I left only with a haunting new knowledge and a crippling UTI.
Comments