Spoiler alert: it's birds.
By Nathannael Matos
The Student Body Government has decided to boycott the United States Postal Service, planning to remove the government agency from the Bertelsmann Campus Center by the beginning of the next semester. One representative has said that the decision was made primarily for environmental reasons. “The amount of gas and oil consumed by the trucks hauling our letters and packages every week is staggering. In order to protect our environment, we are ceasing the usage of the USPS as our primary means of written correspondence.” They plan on converting the current post office into an aviary, where students and faculty can send letters via carrier pigeon or, for ungainly amount of Harry Potter fans on campus, a singular barn owl found roosting in the window sill of Obreshkove. This new solution, while significantly less hasty than USPS, is more cost-effective and promotes a more symbiotic relationship with nature. “Also,” confessed the representative, “we just think birds are cool.”
Student support for the move has been overwhelming, with one particularly enthusiastic student starting a petition on Change.org to rebrand the school as “Bird College”. There are currently six signatures and one misguided donation of $30. Junior Chase T. Washburn has taken it upon themselves to try and catch a raptor on his own to train for the new aviary. “We need a really big bird to help carry packages. And our mascot is a really big bird! We should really have a big bird!” they told the Bardvark from behind a feather-adorned sandwich board. The Student Body Government has taken this support as a sign that they should continue this initiative. On the docket for their next meeting is a review of Buildings and Grounds and how to replace as many human and automated workers as possible with avian ones.
In unrelated news, a new club has started up on campus: Ornithophobes Anonymous.