By Nathanael Matos
10. The Notebook 2: More Notes
So, I’ve never seen the Notebook, but one common complaint I’ve heard from my seven-year-old niece is that there weren’t enough notes. So, this time: more notes. I don’t care what the notes are, who they belong to, or why they were even written in the first place, but I definitely might watch the Notebook if I knew there were gonna be more notes in the sequel.
9. The Sound of Music (To Study and Relax To)
The Sound of Music is so old. Like seriously, I think my grandpa saw it in theatres, which means it's definitely boring. So, time to modernize it, starting with the soundtrack, obviously! Now imagine lo-fi remixes of all the classic songs, ‘cause that’s the new sound of music. In my version, the protagonist is a DJ trying to make it big in their local underground scene.
8. The Mask 3: In the Time of the 'Rona
Wearing masks is cool now! So, obviously we need to bring back the most famous Hollywood mask of all time, and stick it back onto the most famous Jim of all time. This time, with a modern redesign. This one writes itself.
7. Zorro: He's a Dad Now!
Speaking of famous masks, here’s another one. But now instead of being a hot Latin swashbuckler, Antonio Banderas is a hot Latin dad that also happens to swashbuckle. What happens when Zorro needs to save the day while also caring for his very young child? I don’t know, the movie hasn’t been made yet. Duh!
6. Transformers VIII: Return of the Moon
I know that there are only currently five films in Michael Bay’s Transformers series (not including Bumblebee), and I’ve only seen the first three, but I feel like if the Moon hasn’t disappeared yet, then two movies is plenty of time for that to happen.
5. The Human Millipede
The 100th installment of the Human Centipede franchise. After so many tries at doing some fucked-up science shit, the fucked-up scientists definitely would’ve decided to see just how fucked-up their science shit could get. Apparently, at least this fucked-up.
4. The Fast and the Furriest
This is a shot-for-shot remake of every Fast and the Furious film, with as close to their original casts as possible, but everyone is playing their fursonas. There will only be minor re-writes to the script that just add more innuendos and puns. Also, every film ends with an extended scene of the cast yiffing.
3. The Princess Groom
I can’t think of any jokes for this one, I just think the name is really funny.
2. Three Men and a Baby (But the Baby is a Rat This Time)
1987’s Three Men and a Baby is perfect, and shouldn’t be touched in any way shape or form. So, I propose a new cannon where the titular three men have a human sized rat baby to take care of. Josh Brolin plays the son of Michael (Steve Guttenberg), Owen Wilson is the nephew of Tom Selleck’s Peter, and… I dunno, some third white dude as Ted Danson’s step-son or something. Oh, and the baby is voiced by Morgan Freeman.
[Editors Note: .............what?]
1. (K)night at the Museum: The Round Fables
Nobody asked for this one except for me. The Museum of Natural History is putting on a special “Knights of the Round Table” exhibit which leads to Larry Daley (Ben Stiller) and the exhibits being conscripted by King Arthur to defend the Museum from being invaded by a hostile force from a different museum. No jokes in this entry, folks. I legit kinda really want to see this movie.
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