and also you don't really understand your major
By Maya Lavender
Hey hot girl! Are you a second semester Sophomore at Bard College? Are you about to moderate? Do you keep fielding questions such as “What is moderation?”, “Why are you doing that?”, and also “What’s your major?” and then “No, but like what is your major?” If that sounds like you, have no fear, hot girl! This is the guide for you:
STEP 1: When your parents ask you about your major, relate it back to someone they hate. The line of questioning will grind to an immediate halt.
STEP 2: When it comes time to write your modera- ion paper… don’t! A picture is worth a thousand words and it’s the thought that counts, so do keep that in mind.
STEP 3: Talk to your moderation board extensively about your internship at Goldman Sachs, especially if you do not have an internship at Goldman Sachs. Bonus points if they didn’t ask you anything that would prompt an anecdote from your fake Goldman Sachs internship.
STEP 4: When your parents inevitably ask you about your major again, tell them to please like get a dog or a hobby or something. You’ll feel bad about lashing out, but you need them to give you the space to find yourself and also a puppy.
STEP 5: Recognize that this pattern of behavior isn’t sustainable and accept the fact that you’re going to have to partake in an absolutely unhinged ritual in which your professors invite you to a meeting that will start with them asking you to leave so they can talk mad shit about you and then they’ll invite you back in like nothing happened and then during that meeting you will be asked to talk about your major and you will feel the oxygen leave the room as you try but alas fail to recall a single word of the english language. And that’s okay because you are a hot girl.
And in five easy steps, you’ve moderated! In no time at all, you’ll be at your sproj board, fully confident in what your major is and with a promotion at Sachs! HAGS :)