By: Nathanael Matos
Hey, besties! My name is Bria (she/her). I’m 20 years old and studying Human Rights and Anthropology. I live with my two friends Georgia and “Frankie,” and we are looking for a third roommate to share rent with.
We live in a quaint, two-story house in Red Hook, a few blocks from the middle school. Our last roommate hasn’t been around so we figured it was time to replace them. Your share of rent would only be around $400 a month, including utilities. Also, and I know this is super private, but you have to be a virgin in order to apply. One of us is really prudish, and trust me, they will know if you’ve been tainted. We’re also all super religious and request that before you move in, you denounce Christ and all those that worship him! But don’t worry, we aren’t going to bother trying to convert you 😊. All three of us are bilingual as well, and we like to practice speaking our abyssal tongue around the house, but you don’t need to speak it –– actually, we’d prefer if you didn’t! The room you’d be moving into still has our old roommate’s stuff in there, but we’re pretty confident that they aren’t coming back for it, so it’s all yours if you want it.
A little more about us. Like I said, I’m Bria, and I’m from Providence, RI. I like reading, walking, plotting to plunge the world into eternal darkness and despair, listening to music, and gardening. All I ask is that you don’t touch any of my plants, no matter how weird they look. If you do, no biggie – nobody makes that mistake more than once 😛.
One of your future roommates would be Georgia (she/her). She’s 19 and from Death Valley. She studies World History with a specific concentration on world religions. She’s a bit of a fitness nut, but has a kind heart. Besides working out, she likes to cook, hike, bathe in fresh goat blood, do puzzles, and practice tying knots (she dreams of having a sailboat someday 😊).
Our other roommate is called T̵͖̭̼̠̯̣̎̒̅̏́ȩ̶̡̘͖͓͌͌̉͘Z̸͓͔͊͝͝ç̷̠͇̱̦͔̋a̵͔̭̻͔̰̾̃͗ṯ̵̢͑͗l̵̹̟̟͚̱͠'̶̝̬̭̖̪̒̌ͅp̶̜̯̩̀̏0̸̦̞͋̍̔̊̈́̕͜ç̷͎͇̩̘̀͌̓̚͘A̶̳̞͎̋'̸̨͉̠̺́̇c̵̝͊̎̾à̵͖̘͍͔̤̓c̵̬͓̯̠̻͇̾́̿͒a̶̘̣̱̺͔͈̔̓, (unknowable/imperceptible/theirs), but they also go by “the Ancient Hunger”, “the Rising Chaos”, “the One Chaotic Nightmare of the End”, and “Frankie”. They are ∞ and from the Abyss. They mostly stay to themselves, but are really into sampling different kinds of foods (they love when Georgia experiments with new types of cuisine; so far, their favorite is Italian). Frankie only asks that you do not enter their room unless it is time. When will that time be? Don’t worry. You’ll know 😉.
If you’re interested, hit me up! My number is: (666)555-4355. We really look forward to meating you, so please don’t be shy. Also, Italians are always welcome in our house.
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