By Philip Carroll
Bard College first-year Julian Winnis was heard shouting “Let’s fucking party!” as he held back tears this past Thursday night. Sources say that Julian “gave no fucks” that he was scheduled for FYSEM the following morning.
Despite his overtly raucous and jolly behavior, an anonymous informant has inferred that Julian is “really having a hard time.” They went on the say that “[Julian] was really going crazy, and it was all a bit much. It definitely felt like he was overcompensating, you know––putting on a show, kind of. I think he’s dealing with a dastardly sorrow that none of us could truly understand.”
Sources close to Julian say that he is “a real big Momma’s boy.”
Always eager to get straight to the facts, Bardvark was able to send a reporter to the scene and investigate. They caught up with Julian in the Oberholzer bathroom. “Oh, man,” said Julian, his eyes bright red. “Sorry, I’m so fucking high. I just, like, can’t control myself around weed.” Julia then gave a timid little laugh. His duress became clear.
In an attempt to make light conversation with our reporter, Julian revealed that he was heading home for the weekend. “There’s this girl from my high school that just, like, totally won’t stop hitting me up, and she’s just all over me. It’s mad annoying, but I told her I’d come give it to her one more time. Yeah.”
Looking to Julian’s phone on the bathroom counter, our eagle-eyed reporter noticed that it was clearly open to a text reading “Hi mommy, can you bake those biscuits I like? I really love you.” While we at the Bardvark do not condone this sort of journalism, we do admire our reporter’s commitment to and drive for truth.
Julian continued to party throughout the night, making the normal first-year rounds such screaming in the quad and swimming in the Parliament of Reality, all while bearing such a great sadness. Hopefully, for his sake and for ours, he can get the help he needs.
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