By Akiva Hirsch
Pandemonium has ensued after a startling new college policy: Effective March 31st, Italians are banned from Bard College. This announcement came out a month ago, but nobody noticed because it was in one of Malia DuMont's emails about wearing a mask. Thankfully, one bored student who actually reads the emails alerted us to this alarming new decree. We would have published an article sooner, but we don't care that much about Italians.
To see how the Italian community was reacting to this notizia esplosiva, we spoke with the director of Bard's Italian Studies concentration, Franco Baldasso. "A-this is-a an assault-a on-a an essential-a component-a of-a the Bard-a community. Spaghetti." Translated to English, Professor Baldasso told the Bardvark "This is an assault on an essential component of the Bard community. Spaghetti." Student Angela Woodack was similarly upset, saying "Oof marone, why would Leon do this to us? How am I gonna pack up my gabagool in time?" How indeed, Angela. Finally, famous Italian Sylvester Stallone has weighed in on this troubling development. "Ay uhh yo, yo ay ay ay uhh yo. Yo ay uhh ay ay. Yo!" Our translators were unable to decipher what Signore Stallone told us, but we're sure it was very wise. After all, this is the man who gave us Rocky and played the Toymaker in Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over.
We went straight to the top and asked Leon Botstein why this controversial decision was
made. After greeting us in his booklined study, President Botstein ushered us into a hidden room blocked off by a life-size cutout of composer Gustav Mahler. The room was filled to the brim with pizza boxes; on closer examination, we discovered that a small square had been cut from each box. David Shein sat in a dark corner on all fours, wearing oil-stained rags, gnawing on a stale crust.
"David spent months collecting those little coupons from Salvatore's pizza,” Leon informed us. “Months, I tell you! And when he finally gathered one hundred coupons –– which should have gotten him ten pizzas, because one hundred divided by ten is ten –– they told him that promotion was discontinued. No longer will sweet, sweet David be bullied by Italians! I will make them feel the pain they have caused us."
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