By Zoe Kaperonis
Hey there all you cool cats and kittens. Do you have a stubborn relative that refuses to get the Covid vaccine? I sure did. Did. Because I was able to convince my uncle to get the vaccine. And here is how I did it:
Step 1: Make sure golf is on the tv, preferably something starring Tiger Woods.
Step 2: Join them on the couch but don’t sit too closely--don’t want to catch those icky covid germs!
Step 3: Ask them about their dog. They always love talking about their dog. And let’s be honest, you do too.
Step 4: Get the dog from the other room and bring it on the couch with you--no dog is too big or too small!
Step 5: Spread some peanut butter on your relative’s cheek. I prefer crunchy but smooth is ok, I guess. Your uncle will be so entranced by Tiger Woods he won’t even notice!
Step 6: Have the dog lick the peanut butter off their face. Mmmm delicious!
Step 7: While the dog is licking to their heart’s content, stick your mechanical lead pencil into the relative’s arm. Don’t forget to smile at them and make sure you wear gloves for sanitary reasons.
Step 8: They scream but reassure them it’s just a little pokey poke and dog is there for all the kisses.
Step 9: Little do they know, your pencil lead is full of Pfizer! How you get access to said pencil lead is something you must figure out on your own--A magician never reveals their secrets!
Step 10: Repeat steps 1-9 in three weeks--they’ll never see it coming!
Congrats! You now have a vaccinated relative.
DISCLAIMER: THE BARDVARK IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANY LEGAL ACTION TAKEN AGAINST YOU FOR UNWANTED VACCINATION, LEAD POISONING, OR DOG THEFT; EVEN AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU GET SUED BY YOUR UNCLE. XOXO