By Maya Lavender
In a highly anticipated press release Thursday, Bard College’s Office of Equity and Inclusion announced their decision to install at least one Ms. PacMan machine in every single residence hall on campus. The news came after months of tense negotiations with George Soros regarding how the college should best spend his billion dollar donation. We got the chance to sit down with him and Dean of Inclusive Excellence, Kahan Sablo, for an exclusive interview on the matter.
“This one’s a big win for the ladies!” Mr. Sablo told us, entirely unprompted. He’s right, a campus full of Ms. PacMan machines is a massive win for the ladies.
When we asked Why Ms. PacMan in the dorms, George? Soros regaled us with a story, “You want to know how I made my billions? The conversion rate from arcade tickets to the US dollar is always in the green. So I go around this great nation making smart investments. And the smartest investment you can make is in Ms. PacMan.”
Kahan chimed in here to let us know, “Hashtag girlboss. Hashtag the future is female.” So true.
Soros continued, “I play Ms. PacMan to win, and oh boy, I win big. And then I exchange the tickets for cold hard cash. I share that cash because I’m a nice guy. But you gotta buy more tokens. You know, Chuck and Cheese and David’s Buster [sic] aren’t exactly free, so I gotta make the money back somehow. And it wasn’t looking like I was getting that back from you guys, and that’s okay it was a gift, but that’s where Ms. Pacman comes back in.” Makes perfect sense.
We reached out to Bard Buildings and Grounds for comment on their progress on this project, and it has been made clear that all labor and materials have been diverted from the Kline renovation project to complete this as soon as possible.
So there we have it. Ms. PacMan is coming to Bard—to repay our debts and to celebrate next year’s International Women’s Month.