By Nathanael Matos
Last Tuesday night, a massive swarm of flies laid siege to the Bertelsmann Campus Center, pushing out all of its occupants. Since then, it has been kept firmly under their control, and no human has been allowed inside the premises. Last night, however, the flies booked the MPR for a final round of negotiations. After much back-and-forth, it seems that a deal has finally been struck.
When the flies first stormed upon the scene, Bard reached out to the world’s premier expert on flies: renowned actor Jeff Goldblum. Upon arriving to the campus, Goldblum reportedly said, “Oh, God! How did––why are there so many flies? You want me to speak with them? You do realize that that was just a role, right? I didn’t actually become part fly. It was just make-up!” Bard Security simply handed Jeff Goldblum a megaphone and pushed him toward the Campus Center. Before he could speak, the flies descended upon him like a Biblical plague and consumed his flesh, leaving nothing but a pile of bones and some very stylish shades.
Without a professional negotiator on hand, Bard was forced to wait for the fly emissary to return with their demands. It was not long before the sea of flies parted to make way for their leader to make his decree. “Hark, infidels! It is I, Jerefliah, prophet to the Lord of the Flies. I have come bearing a holy message concerning our righteous crusade. You humans have committed countless sins upon me and my flies. I have been given the authority to call this war to an end, if––and only if––you atone for your species’ grievous missteps. I have spoken.”
Jerefliah was once a normal fly just like any other. However, during the final days of L&T, he found himself trapped inside of Weiss cinema where a small group of freshmen screened the recent Planet of the Apes trilogy. Seeing himself thereafter as the Caesar of his people, Jerefliah was said to have ascended the ranks of fly society in order to become the leader his brethren needed.
After a failed assassination attempt that left five Bard Security operatives missing in action and one with nothing but an empty can of Raid, Jerefliah increased his demands. These included a forbiddance of “the mindless slaughter of flies and their ilk,” and a requirement for all humans to “pay recompense for their sins and those of their progenitors” by sitting on a giant sandwich to await vicious swatting by sundry household objects. This swatting would be implemented as an additional fee for those looking to get a meal at any on-campus eatery.
The Speaker of the Student Body managed to reduce Jerefliah’s demands to a once-per-semester swatting. This momentous occasion was consummated as the mass of flies formed the shape of a human hand and shook with the Speaker.
Please keep an eye out for a tinyurl requesting the participation of the entire Bard in the upcoming Grand Swatting Ceremony.