Dear Bardvark,
It’s that time of year again–that dark, miserable, snowy time of the year–and my seasonal depression is worse than ever. How does everyone else manage to drag themselves out of bed on cold winter mornings?
Sincerely,
‘Tis The Season
Dear Sir or Madam Season,
Terribly sorry to hear of this. Have you considered investing in a SAD light? Essentially, it is a lamp big and bright enough to mimic daylight and reinvigorate one’s circadian rhythms. Since it resembles a television, you will be inclined to sit idly before this lamp for hours on end; I suggest you give into this desire immediately. And you may find yourself neglecting your responsibilities and loved ones in the name of the SAD light, or perhaps seeking to harm those who do not believe in the lamp. Do not worry, young one; these are perfectly natural first steps on your road to enlightenment (get it? We do). Let go of the chains that bind you to your old ways. Allow us to illuminate, and nearly blind, you–surely you will be better off without the conventional constraints of sight. May your internal self flourish as you learn to abandon the darkness of your old ways. Please trust the lamp without question, for it will make you strong.
Join us. Become the lamp.
Love,
The Bardvark
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