by Clay Webb
Gideon Lester, step aside! We have a new symbol of the failing vitality of man and this institution, and they’re not even British! In a poll last week, students ranked the Kline vultures as the biggest concern on campus, with an incredible 100% of respondents breaking out in a cold sweat and locating nearest escape routes after hearing the vultures directly referenced. The vultures surpassed historically big-name items like Racism (27%), Homework (23%), and getting sick (19%). Their rise has been unprecedentedly quick as well: just last month, the biggest threat to all that is peaceful and good in our lives was cited as a tie between when Kline only has oatmeal raisin cookies in stock and how much weed I’ve been smoking.
We also got the chance to hear some real Bard voices on the matter. “I am a simple guy,” said senior Brian Watko. ”I eat; I sleep; I love; I live. I never go faster than 5 mph walking and 50 mph driving. I follow the rules. The vultures? They are going to eat me, I know it. They salivate over the morbid excesses of American post-industrial consumer capitalism; Bard is simply the unfortunate microcosm of a much greater societal sickness.”
Other students have expressed a more positive view of the vultures. Maya Lavender, a sophomore, had this to say: “Personally, I take comfort in the knowledge that the vultures will one day eat me.” When asked for further comment, she squawked and flew into a nearby tree where she quietly stared at us, as if she could see right through to our pitch-black souls.
Over the weekend, a student advocacy group, Students Against the Frightening and Unknown Implications of the Vultures (SAFUIV), held a panic-in inside of Kline, where speakers raised concerns like “Name One Good Thing It Could Mean,” “They Are So Big,” “Every Day There Are More,” “I’m Terrified I’m The Only One Who Can See Them,” and “God Is Probably Going To Kill Us.” In response to the rising concern, President Botstein organized a press conference where he assured the student body that “the vultures are simply our avian friends, not a foreboding symbol of looming apocalypse,” even going as far as to say, “they’re just birds [...] they’re probably just attracted to the food waste.” Before taking questions, Botstein ended his speech by saying, “and even if they are a symbol for the coming apocalypse, what do you want me to do about it? They are McFucking terrifying. Have you ever seen one of those things at night? Instant death. We have no chance.”
UPDATE: Since the initial publication of this article, Bard College has moved from #9 straight to #1 on the international list of places where the end of the world will most likely start.
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