By Abigail Aciman and Julia Sands
The results are in for the annual campus-wide Sexiest Man Alive poll. Surprising no one, last year's champion has retained his title. That's right, folks: Theo from Philosophy 101 is once again Bard's Sexiest Man Alive. When asked about how he felt about winning the crown, Theo just shrugged and said, “I don't know, man. It's like Nietzsche said, ‘Woman was God's second mistake.’” In lieu of elaboration, he sighed moodily, lit a cigarette, and replied, “If you don't get it, man, you don't get it.”
We spoke to several of the women who voted Theo into this position. “It's the grime. It's the grit. It’s that skunk ashtray smell that fills the room every time he walks in,” said a blue-haired ukulele player residing in the Oberholtzer common room. “He just doesn't care about society. It's so erotic and down-to-earth.” She then scooped a Jell-O shot out of her mason jar and slurped it down. “Like sometimes I look over at his hair and it's so greasy I can see my reflection in it. I feel like I could really find myself with him, you know?”
This one testimony seems to suggest a connection between a single broken-down soul to another. But another voter's account indicates that this fascination with Theo from Philosophy 101 may be more universal.
“There's something about the way he always corrects me in class and never listens to my contributions,” chirps an enthusiastic young yogi in the Meditation Room. “Like, I'll give my opinion on something Socrates said, and he just like rolls his eyes and tells me that Plato actually said it even though I know it was Socrates because I'm actually a Philosophy major and he's doing Film. Then he'll start talking about Proust. I think it reminds me of my dad. There's something so sexy about the fact that someday he might actually consider what I'm saying." She took a swig of kombucha and turned to her class. “Okay everyone, get into downward dog!" Downward dog indeed.
We asked a lesbian what she thought about the decision from an outsider's point of view. “I don't get it. It's not just because I'm gay. I can recognize attractive men––I have eyes. It's just, he doesn't look like he's ever eaten pussy in his entire life.”
To confirm this, we consulted Theo's former hook-up buddy, Ophelia. “Like... he didn't,” she said, “but he said it was a political choice or something?” When asked to describe her experience with Theo, she recalled: “I hit him up on Tinder and he said, ‘Don't say hey. I don't like clichés.’ Then he told me his favorite band was the Smiths and he listed his favorite songs by them as Spotify's Top Ten Smiths Songs, in the order that they appear in the Spotify ranking." When asked how it ended, she sighed. “Well, I told him he was being too negative. He made me leave his parents' basement and told me not to speak to him or his postmodern meta cynicism ever again. Before he shut the door, he said: ‘Heidegger once said that faith means not wanting to know what is true.’ I told him that Nietzsche actually said that. He slammed the door in my face. That was the last time we spoke.”
When we asked Theo about Ophelia, he said, “Who’s Ophelia? Like in Shakespeare? I don't care for Othello. I'm more of a fan of Samuel Beckett's work myself.”
Well. Whatever the source of this sexy young man's appeal, we are happy to announce Theo from Philosophy 101 as Bard's Sexiest Man of the Year! Congratulations, Theo!
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