By Parlin Shields
Spring is here and it’s time to boogie! Although Covid has canceled most social events, it has brought the dawn of a new age: the Year of the Roommate.
On-campus and remote students will be pairing off though Bard’s roommate lottery system for the new “zoom-mate” initiative, rolling out early next week. Associate vice president of student affairs Bethany Nohlgren will be spearheading this technological feat of unparalleled proportions. Last week, I sat down with Bethany to discuss the plans regarding the massive Covid-19 outbreak ransacking the on-campus student body. “We haven’t been so psyched about how the in-person students have fared,” Nohlgren admitted. After looking out the window for a few minutes, Nohlgren added: “online ‘zoom-mates’ will be a more humane way to go about collegiate friendship-making”.
Wondering what zoom-mates entails? well you’re in for a FUCKIN TREAT!
Think 1984. Think “Love is Blind”. Think Buzzfeed quizzes at 3 AM with someone that you don’t really want to be friends with.
Drawing from the Bard scholarship fund, every participating student will be sent a 4x6 2007 Sony flatscreen TV with an attached live stream webcam. Paired students will be given IKEA™️ instructions on installation, and then WABAM! there’s your new best friend!
Say goodbye to quiet nights of depression and Bridgerton. Utter adieu to jacking off at 3 PM when you know your mom’s at the grocery store.
The fun part is that as much as it sucks for you, it sucks ass for your zoom-mate too.
When I approached some potential zoom-mate victims through their Instagram DMs, they did not reply.
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