by Brian Watko
Times are tough right now. Doubtless you’ve been yearning for the ways things were before coronavirus, and I can’t blame you. It was a simpler time; a better time. I want to do my part to make the world a better place—I want you all to feel safer, happier, healthier. That’s why I decided to rank all of the Land Before Time movies: I did it so you don’t have to.
14. The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave (2016)
Released almost a decade after the last Land Before Time movie, Journey of the Brave exemplifies why it’s important to quit while you’re ahead. Plagued by poor voice acting and a paper-thin plot, this film is a journey that only the bravest LBT fan should attempt.
13. The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire (2000)
Another slog, only marginally better than Journey of the Brave. The “dinosaurs are aliens” plot twist comes out of nowhere, and I can’t believe that Cera the Triceratops loses her leg (apparently, it grows back before the next film in the series). Hard to suffer through, but I did it in the end—I did it so you don’t have to.
12. The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze (2001)
I have some serious issues with this movie, the least of which is that dinosaurs would totally die in this much snow. A perfect example of Land Before Time past its prime, The Big Freeze relies heavily on blue humor and inexplicable celebrity casting—a mammoth voiced by the lead singer of Alien Ant Farm is way too prominent. I had to break quarantine and drive over to Cumberland Farms to pick up a copy of Big Freeze from their 4-for-a-dollar DVD shelf. It wasn’t worth the 25 cents.
11. The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends (2007)
I actually learned a lot from this one, though I wish that wise Grandfather Longneck could’ve warned me about what it’s like to fight off a crowd of haggard middle-aged Mainers for a Land Before Time DVD. It was a bloodbath: just a sea of flannel and cigarette smoke. One guy kept coughing in my face! The only thing that got me through this was the knowledge that I was the last person who need face such adversity in the name of the Land Before Time. I just hope that that guy didn’t have corona.
10. The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration (2003)
Now this one was a doozy. Very unpopular when it came out, The Great Longneck Migration is considered out of print. I had to drive to several Walmarts, rifling through each discount movie bin (there’s like four in every store). No luck. Finally got my hands on a copy from my cousin’s kid—I had to pry it out of the fucker’s snotty little hands. I have no intention to return The Great Longneck Migration to her. This is my lot in life; this is my burden. I alone must carry it.
9. The Land Before Time V: The Dinos Meet M*A*S*H* (1997)
A middle-of-the-road crossover. Alan Alda’s Hawkeye had a surprising amount of chemistry with the dinos. I don’t know if the comparison between the meteor that killed the dinosaurs and the Korean War holds up today.
8. The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving (1995)
This one’s pretty good. I drove my 2001 Honda Civic all the way to Bend, Oregon in order to rent this from the last surviving Blockbuster. That was several weeks ago. They will not stop calling me to ask for it back. I won’t return their calls. You deserve the truth about the Land Before Time movies, my dear readers. I will do anything to give it to you.
7. (TIE) The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses (2004)
The Land Before Time XII: Littlefoot Goes Down Under (2006)
Both of these were included on the same DVD as The Time of the Great Giving; both are better. Charming stories. Good musical numbers. Christ, I’m feeling weak. Maybe I should wear a mask when I go out to buy these DVDS…
5. The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water (released in Hungary as Waterworld II) (2002)
I could only find a bootleg Hungarian copy of this one. I had to pick it up from this guy named János who had a listing on Craigslist. His whole extended family was there. Seventeen people in one studio apartment in downtown Biddeford. His grandmother called me kicsim and kissed me on the cheek. I really hope I didn’t get any of them sick.
4. The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock (1998)
Pretty good! Best use of Petrie and Spike in the entire franchise.
3. The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists (1996)
Guys, I have to come clean with you. I feel pretty shitty. I got this cough way, way deep in my chest. It’s dry as a fucking bone. Tried to distract myself with Journey Through the Mists and I actually really enjoyed it. I could hardly breathe during the second act, so I may have not been paying the closest attention to the plot, dialogue, etc. Would recommend!
2. The Land Before Time (1988)
The one that started it all—a near-masterpiece. Don Bluth is America’s greatest animator, and his absence from the scene today only makes humanity a weaker species, doomed to be devoured by Sharpteeth or deadly viruses.
1. The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure (1994)
I just feel really scared right now, guys. This was the first VHS my gram-gram ever gave me. I miss her wisdom. She used to call me her Littlefoot. Please, let me have this. I’m sputtering into a rag right now. I just want some happy thoughts. If I die, know that you will not need to go through what I have. I have spared you from unnecessary suffering. To quote the sacrificial lambeosaurus from The Great Valley Adventure, “I perish so you may prosper.”
Comentarios