By Lola Buncher
Drastic changes have been made to our conventional learning methods. Remote education is a big adjustment for all of us, and I just want to give some friendly tips to help ease this transition for everyone. My first bit of advice is, DO NOT FART IN YOUR ONLINE CLASSES. I would like to preface this advice by stating that I have never and would never fart in an online class (it's super gross and totally not my style). With that cleared up I will continue…
No matter how quiet you think your fart might be, it is not worth the risk. If you feel a fart coming on in class, you might think no one will hear you, and heck, even if they did, how would they know it was you? Well let me be the first to remind you, YOUR SCREEN WILL GET BIG!!! You will fart (a loud and ripe fart) and your face will get so giant. You will not know when you get big, but believe me you will. Your class will go dead silent. You might even try to make a joke like “Hey who let that one rip?” but no one will laugh. They will sit in uncomfortable silence because they all know it was you. Your screen is still big; you realize this now. You try to cover it up like it was your squeaky chair, but no chair could ever make such a wet and vulgar sound. You know this, but what other choice do you have? You will move around in your chair to try to prompt a semblance of a fart noise but nothing will happen. Well congratulations, dumbass… now you just look like you’re squirming around in your chair to wipe up the leakage that came out of your big stinky fart. Now everyone thinks you soiled yourself in the middle of class. You look so stupid right now. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE JUST SAY SOMETHING SO MY VIDEO CAN GO BACK TO BEING SMALL? No one will say a word.
You think back to a time before you got big and you hate yourself for taking those moments for granted. Your back is up against the wall now. You are running out of options. “I didn’t poop,” you say. Silence. If there was ever a doubt in anyone’s mind that you pooped yourself, that is gone now. Your teacher will try to get the class back on track but no one will be able to focus. Everyone hates you now, they’re right to hate you…. You hate yourself. So just don’t do it. Don’t fart in class. I would also just like to reiterate that this is a hypothetical situation. I would NEVER, EVER even consider farting in an online class. I’m just not that kind of person.
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