By Audrey Russell
Sometimes, when I get sick of looking at the same Stall Seat Journal day after day, I sneak out to New Henderson to use the restroom, if only for some new reading material. It’s typically a less dumb Stall Seat Journal, but today there was an entire letter scrawled in Sharpie across the mirror. “Dear Friend, I know you’ve been dealing with tapeworms.” Who was this person, and how did they know? I had to keep reading.
“That must be really hard for you! But I’m sure you’re the hostess with the mostess. That said, I want you to have this family remedy. My grandmother had the exact same problem as you do now, but she was still able to have children, so I know it worked!” I was sold.
“The first step is not to eat for three days. This is a great way to lose weight, but not as effective as keeping the worm inside of you forever! Drink enough water to keep yourself alive, but try to dehydrate the worm. Then, sit in front of a bowl of milk for two hours. That should be long enough for the worm to crawl out.” The graffiti did not specify which end it would crawl out of.
“When you’re done, you should have an opaque bowl of milk with a living tapeworm inside. For fun, give it to a friend! I hope this works. Sincerely, H.”
The writer had attached a postscript: “P. S. Call me–I’d love to catch up sometime! 1-845-FUNWORM”. I had so many questions. Hands quivering, I picked up my phone and began to dial.
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