Think you’ve got the covid? Can’t afford a test? Have nothing better to do? (I jest, of course; none of us have anything better to do.) Then this quiz is for you!
Start with 0, and add the designated number of points for every question you answer “yes.” Keep track of your points, and add them up at the end to get your result!
Have you been social distancing for at least the past two weeks? (add 1)
Do you wash your hands multiple times a day? (add 1)
Do you have a cough or a high fever? And even if you don’t, do you have a hunch that maybe you deserve it? (add 10)
Look closely at your hands. Are they clean right now? Clean of dirt, bacteria, and the crimson remnants of my bleeding heart, Jonathan? (add 1)
Did you tell me you love me, cheat with my roommate, and block me on Zoom so you wouldn’t have to face the consequences of your actions? (add 600, you sick sick bastard. Do it.)
If you got:
5 or less – You definitely don’t have the virus! Congratulations. You’re going to live––and you probably deserve to.
5 to 15 – It’s possible that you might have the virus! Contact your local healthcare professional, and try to get the help you need. You’ll get through this, I promise.
Over 15 – Well, well, well. How the tables have turned. It looks like you have COVID-19. What did you think, Jonathan? That you could rip out my heart, feed it to the wolves, brutally murder each wolf, and get off scott-free? You idiot. You pathetic fool! Of course you were going to contract the coronavirus. It’s terminal, and even if it weren’t, doctors have no desire to help you, Jonathan. Simply seeing your face would immunocompromise them. It would make them sick, and they would have no desire to live. Waste away in solitude, Jonathan. Waste away alone––just like I did for you. Soon, you’ll get what’s coming for you and justice will be served! I’d say “see you in hell,” but you don’t deserve the company of the devil. Your hollow, gray carcass will rot in the ground by itself, and no one will weep at your grave.
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